Zoe “Bunkbed” Schoen

Atop a snowcapped peak in the Himalayas, there stood a mighty Buddhist monastery, home to an order of 100 odd monks. One fateful day, a storm hit the mountainside on which the monastery stood and the entire sky went black. As the monks meditated, waiting for the storm to pass, a thunderbolt struck the ground outside their living quarters accompanied by loud crack. The monks rushed outside to the site of the blast and found a small babe lying at the point of impact. The monks saw this as a sign from Siddhartha himself and took the child in as their own. They named the babe “Bunkbed”, which roughly translates to “Blessed One” in old Tibetan.

The child blossomed into a seasoned young woman. As she aged “Bunkbed” displayed many unique special talents. She mastered the monks’ teachings, and as an adolescent she could already catch flies blindfolded and boost her chakra to level 500. These were impressive feats, however her defining skill was her ability to beat the wooden fish. Before every meditation, she would take the pair of sticks she had carved her self out of the fangs of a snow leopard, and start playing the giant drum. Oh, it was glorious. All the yak herders from miles around would look up to the heavens, thinking that the beautiful noise was the voice of god.

The monks found great joy from Bunkbed’s fresh beats, but after every time she played they would tell her, “You have great talent, but make sure you only play the songs written by the elders. If you don’t, something terrible will happen”. Bunkbed smiled and nodded but deep down she knew the world needed to hear her own hit single. The next day was the elder monks went to out collect water. As soon as they left, Bunkbed knew it was her time to shine.

She took her sticks out and started bangin’. To say what followed was hot hot fire would be a dramatic understatement. It was so tasty that every living thing in a 5-mile radius started dancing. Her hands were moving insanely fast and got faster and faster until they reached the speed of sound itself. Then, complete silence. Bunkbed had just dropped the one…

The drop of the one brought the hot fire to critical capacity. Suddenly, the bottom layer of ice across entire mountainside vaporized, triggering a seismic avalanche. Bunkbed looked up in horror as a wave of snow came down upon the monastery.

The casualties were great. The monastery was destroyed. When the elders arrived back to find their order decimated by this catastrophic event, they immediately blamed Bunkbed and banished her forever to a far off land. For her penance she must live the rest of her days in Aidekman basement, making sure her spicy beats never take the life of another innocent.