John “Dungus” DeCarli

Prince Dungus, future king of the happy and rich country Zamunda has reached the age when he should marry. There’s a to-be-wife for him already chosen, but he doesn’t want to marry her. Instead, he decides to go to the USA to find a wife for himself. His childhood friend and servant, Arsenio Hall, escorts him into the depths of Queens in New York.

After some searching Dungus finds the woman he wants – Lisa. The next day Dungus and Arsenio decide to work for the girl’s father, James Earl Jones, as poor university students from Africa to get the girl to notice him. Finally he succeeds, and they both fall madly in love. Since Dungus gave all his money to a homeless man, his friend Arsenio sends a telegram to the royal coupla asking for some more, resulting in a visit from the king and the queen.

Unfortunately, their arrival shows Dungus’ true wealth. When Lisa finds out he isn’t poor at all, she dumps him, leaving Dungus broken hearted. In this heartwarming story, peppered with camios by the likes of Samuel L. Jackson, John Stamos, and my personal favorite, Louie Anderson, Dungus learns how to look beyond the allures of material possessions and wealth to find true love as he searches for a little warmth and compassion in a cold, hard world. John Dungus also went to Tufts and was in B.E.A.Ts.

This dazzling love story aside, Jon Dungus is to B.E.A.Ts as Whoopi Goldberg is to Holywood Squares; As the soundtrack of Cats is to Louis’s CD player… As massive facial scarring is to Seal. Like an American Flag hung high, like a busty golden eagle soaring high amongst the purple mountains and golden fields, Dungus is truly the Shaquile O’Neil of B.E.A.Ts, minus the earth shattering dunks, mind boggling rap skills, and speech impediment. I guess that would make him more like Will Smith minus party play-list staples such as Willenium, Men in Black, Wild Wild West, Miami, Gettin’ Jiggy With It, Big Willie Style, Pump Ya Brakes, Cany, Will 2K, Just the Two of Us, Freakinâ?? It, and Jada Pinkett Smith.

Attributes:

Eyes: Inviting

Hair: By Paul Mitchell

Turn Ons: Truth, Justice, Flapping Jowls, and the American way.

Turn Offs: Karl Malone

Jaw-line: Chiseled

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