Matt “Pops” Long

Betwixt an apple orchard and a local seaport, atop a tower in the center of a congested rotary, Pops was spawned from a weathervane oriented perfectly towards the faraway land of Mukanda. The newborn Pops swiftly climbed into the tower through its window. He remained locked within its keep until age 8, when he cut his lustrous golden locks for the first time and compiled the trimmings to construct a rope, which he hung out the window and used to climb down from his tower. Once he reached the ground, Pops realized that he was in New Jersey, and lived a thrilling life of fist-pumping, boulder-skipping, and taking long walks on the shore. He remained a bachelor, and financed his luxurious and laidback lifestyle by investing in local street performers.

At the ripe old age of 104, Pops was sitting on his front porch, casually instructing children to get off of his lawn, when he felt that his heartbeat was beginning to fade. In order to revitalize it, he started beating his chest, and as he did, Pops noticed that something amazing was beginning to happen: not only was his heartbeat getting stronger, but he was creating a wondrous jam! Pops picked up two of his most fanciful canes and began playing on his walker. No sooner had he commenced this auditory marvel than he started to shed his old leathery spray-tanned skin and was reborn anew as a college freshman. Alas, with this transformation, Pops developed amnesia, and he wandered throughout the East Coast crafting exquisite beats until he was accepted by a myriad of bucket-banging nymphs localized in the heart of Medford, MA, where he has resided ever since.