On the afternoon of the sixth day of Hanukkah, the gingerbread man and his wife awoke to a pleasant surprise: Alfredo Tortás was born! She was a creature of infinite ginger beauty, full of goodness and beatsness from head to toe. Her acute sense of rhythm and time and groove and music was evident from her first day at the lovely gingerbread residence on Drury Lane: she could accurately time when the gingerbread were done from the oven purely by how groovy the gingery air smelt like and how many Balloon Times and Pat Benatartarsauces and Nick Cannons and Somerville Theatres and Mukandas could be played when the gingerbread turned golden brown in the oven. Her knack for baking was revealed when she was barely a Sfspatulum old – till this day she continues to create works of art for all the hungry mouths at her eventual home.
But we’ll get there. One day, when Alfredo Tortás was in her rebellious gingertween years, her father the gingerbread man took her out to eat ice cream. It so happened that the gingerbread man was slower than she was at eating ice cream, so Tortás grabbed her dad’s ice cream out of its cone and ate it. This was the first historically recorded act of “coning”, and as we speak the Olympic Committee is planning to make “coning” a recognized sport at the both the Summer and Winter Olympics. Being in her gingertweens Tortás was very hungry, so besides eating the ice cream she also ate her father. As she returned home her mother was horrified to learn that her husband had been eaten by Tortás. The gingerbreadwoman very angrily attempted to eat Tortás, but with all her gingertween strength Tortás then ate her mother as well. Eating her parents in turn made Alfredo Tortás stronger and more beatsy than ever. By the way, her mother used to be the Dougie Queen of the County but since Tortás ate her Tortás absorbed all her dougie powers. Tortás doesn’t only drop a hot beat – she drops a hot dougie too.
As expected the residents of Drury Lane attempted to exile Tortás because she ate her parents. Being too full to eat any more gingerbread Tortás ran away and eventually found a new home – the rhythm-ovens of rhythm-bakers called BEATS.
She has stayed with them ever since, cooking up hot lovely baked goods and very hot beats and extremely hot dougies.