Alisa “Slugnutz” Healy

alisaAlisa “Slugnutz” Healy was conceived in a bungalow in the forests of the Amazon in the year of 69 BC. As a child, Alisa’s alarmingly on-pitch cries frightened her parents, who attempted to dump her body in a quickly moving stream. But little Slugnutz was saved by a pack of roaming water buffalo, who took her in as one of their own. For years Sluggy led the buffalo tribe, walking ahead of the herd while wielding a club fashioned out of bamboo and the teeth of the coyote.

After her tribe tragically passed away in a boating accident, Slugnutz moved to America, where she used her club-wielding abilities as the clean-up hitter for the Fort Wayne Kekiongas in the now defunct National Association of Professional Baseball Players (NAPBBP), hitting at a .304 clip in her six-season career.

Today Ms. Slugnutz uses her powers to woo the hearts of the unassuming saucy youngsters in Medford, Mass. And who can blame them, for once anyone witnesses her gutteral Eskimo mating call, they don’t stand a chance of keeping their pants on.

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